Real You: The power of outside approval

It's funny. Whenever I talk to groups about empowerment or personal branding, writing or publishing, I focus on the basic fact that belief in yourself is the key ingredient of success. The ability to know your REAL YOU, to define it - and what you're conveying to others - authentically - is crucial whether you are selling yourself, widgets, books or teaching your kids an important life lesson. Too often we find ourselves caught up in what other's think - waiting for a five-star review, a pat on the back, a promotion. But really, that waiting and hoping for outside approval moves us far away from our purpose and dangerously close to the snark infested waters I write about in Real You Incorporated: 8 Essentials for Women Entrepreneurs. Relying on outside approval turns your power over to others - and often, unfortunately, those others are snarks who's jealousy or unhappiness leads them to attack.

That's the downside. And the more real you become, the more you believe in yourself and follow your dreams, the more you stir them up. Keep calm and carry on. Try to let the negative slide off your shoulders. And most importantly, embrace the positive. The kind word. The thank yous and the promotions, the five-star reviews. Those are what matters in the end.

That's why I have a printed copy of the Kirkus review of my new novel ALL THE DIFFERENCE pinned above my desk. I was afraid to read the review when it arrived - but when I did, I was delighted. (Do you want me to read it to you? Just kidding, but if you were sitting here, I would!) Outside approval from an amazingly respected source. It will keep me going when a snark attack happens, which it will. The review will keep me believing in my stories, just as the many readers who have written positive reviews believe in my stories.

A few days ago, another letter came in the mail.

It was from Barnes & Noble notifying me ALL THE DIFFERENCE would be carried in store. Happy dances followed, and that letter, too, now adorns my bulletin board. I cannot count on this support, this affirmation. But boy, when it comes, it sure feels good.

Thank you if you've been part of that approval, if you've read and enjoyed my books and let me know. It means so much more than you'll know - and I'll never take it for granted!

Real You: Expecting the unexpected

     One of the lessons I've learned during the three-plus months I've spent promoting HERE, HOME, HOPE is that you can never predict book events. Sometimes there is a great crowd, other times, it's crickets. Just me, a stack of my books and my trusty signing pen. Those events tend to feel the longest, but looking back, I may have made the best connections. I know I had the most laughs. And ultimately, I hope I've made friends for life. The smaller the crowd, the deeper the potential for connection. Yes, this is the bright side speaking but it's true.      As I wrote in Real You Incorporated, you always learn more from the hurdles, once you jump them. In Louisville, at the Anchorage Barnes & Noble, my signing was at 5:30 p.m. When I arrived, posters adorned the doors and walls promoting an event that night, but not mine. It was for the author who was arriving at 7:30. I was the warm-up act, I suppose, but that's alright - at least I had my foot in the door! In East Sandwich, MA,  where I had a designated "drop in" (a meet and greet to beg for the store to consider carrying the book) the store owner stood above me on the stairs and - in front of several customers - said no, she wouldn't consider carrying my book. I was exhausted, and it was the final stop of the tour so I was glad I didn't burst into tears in front of her as I scurried out the door! I'd survived the snark attack.   

     Oh, and speaking of attacks and expecting the unexpected in life, I did enjoy some beach time in Nantucket during the tour. As we set up our umbrella and chairs, pulled out our books, I smiled and scanned the horizon. Next thing I know, close to the beach, a fin appeared. This fin was big, and it was darting - almost as if a person was swimming underwater pretending to be a shark. But this wasn't pretend. As the shark leaped out of the water and attacked the seal it was stalking, we watched speechless. The life guards cleared the water, and at first, told us it was a dolphin.

     I'm a big fan of Shark Week. I know my sharks and this was no dolphin. 

     When the head lifeguard arrived, he told us they thought it was a sand shark. I'm not sure, but that night, during Shark Week, the show was about the resurgence of Great Whites near Chatham, in Cape Cod, due to the repopulation of seals - their favorite food.  We saw a lot of seals in the waters around Nantucket, just saying.  

     The point? Book tours are a reflection of life. There are the highs - so many great experiences, fun interactions with readers and book store staff - and some lows, complete with snarks, too. But probably the best part of being on a book tour is having the opportunity to talk about my love of reading and writing with others who share that same passion.

     This summer has been an amazing gift - one that I'll remember forever. More on the unusual next post!

Real You: Of snarks, and resilience

     If you're a frequent reader of my blog, or any of my writings in book form or even 14o characters, you'll know of my disdain for snarks. These are the passion poppers, people who put others down to make themselves feel more important. They are abundant. And the more true to yourself you become, the more you put yourself out there, the more you stir them up. Unfortunately, that's just the way it is. 

I've had a couple of snark encounters recently, and they're weighing on my brain so I thought I'd write about them. It's what I do. Here they are:

Snark Attack #1: I'm at a party, there are many people there who I don't know; I only know the host. This snark, upon overhearing the host say that I have a big Twitter following, proceeds to state: "I don't allow that at my company. We do real work." Hmmm. That certainly stopped the social chatter. Impolite, certainly. Goes back to that adage if you don't have something nice to say, keep it to yourself. But it's more than that, really. I love my Twitter friends and the varied, rich and global community it provides. For him to dismiss all that with a snark attack was frustrating. But, since I didn't have anything nice to say, well, I didn't answer.

Snark Attack #2: I know, I've got to get ready for this, but seeing my first not-so-great review of my forthcoming novel HERE, HOME, HOPE was tough. The fact that the reviewer felt compelled to post at all and then included the word "-eh" stings. But hey, everybody's entitled to her opinion, right? Even if it's blech, or eh. At least she cared enough to write something, I tell myself hopefully. In facing - and overcoming - this type of a snark attack, it's more about resilience. I'm sure this is why many artists don't read reviews at all. Fifty great reviews don't replace the sting of an "eh", they never could. But believing in yourself and what you have to offer the world will.

     So here's to a snark-free week for you, and me, and the knowledge that when you put yourself out there, become more true to you and give your dreams a shot, you will face the snarks.

Bounce back. Shake it off. Resilience will pull you through.

Real You: Avoid holiday snarks

Ah, 'tis the season to be stressed. As you begin to haul out all of the seasonal decorations, and scrounge around for new expressions of your tidings of joy, remember to keep the real meaning of the holidays in the center of your heart. It's tough, trust me, I know but it's also essential for your sanity, and for the real you to shine. At the same time, you're approaching year-end at work and all that planning, anticipation, finalization and yes - potential - the looming new year implies. Ah. You need to find the real people in your life, and surround yourself with them and their love this season.

And how do you do that? I've devised what I call the Snark Scale outlined in my book to help categorize the passion poppers in your life and to help you realize we all face them. The key is to cultivate authenticity. The real people in your life share your passions and empower you. If someone isn't supporting you and your passions, they are using you, draining your energy and pulling you down. Remember, you're on a personal mission to be the best Real You. That's not selfish. It's critical if you want to be the best parent, employer, friend, or spouse you can be.

And always remember, the more real you become - the more true to your self - the more polarizing you will find yourself to be. Everybody loves a doormat, but how does the doormat feel?

The holidays are here. Lose the guilt. Ignore the snarks and find the real.

And when you unfurl the holiday doormat, make sure it isn't you!